Many apologies for not having communicated to all those who have written me private blogs and those who have invited me as friends.  Firstly, I will have to welcome shipscook-ceridwen's cauldren to my blog.  It is often whingeing, facile and occasionally insightful but NOT necessarily in that order.

I'm currently experiencing a bad time, moment, second - what will you!  Many things are occuring at once, which means that I am giving none of them my undivided attention.

Beginning with my brother's separation and all the blame throwing, misunderstandings, family involvement etc ad nauseum.  I cannot understand why people insist on taking sides (by this I mean families - not the law in cases of domestic violence/spousal abuse scenarios), (which, having worked with seriously abused women and the court system, I can only applaud [albeit, halfheartedly!])  No, I am seeing my brother become ill, lose 3 stone, lose his business and his home but I cannot take sides - why?  Because of the children.  I suppose it is fair to say that I have only recently got to know my brother again as he was only 14 when I went to galivante around Europe for many years.  Ultimately, I never saw him grow up, have girlfriends, split up, have other girlfirends, see him brought home tight as a tick, drunk as a skunk, draped over a supermarket shopping trolley, or in a police car...whatever!  Seems I body-swerved some good bits then?

Anyways...I have two nieces, one of whom is a complete bitch and reminds me VERY much of me and the other, is insightful, intelligent, fairly well balanced (considering the cirucmstances) and reminds me very much of how I would have LIKED to have been at her age.   SHIT!!!!

I need to reach out to the girls but...bitch (17 years old) stays in her room constantly, alone but periodically makes forays into the city, to the wine bars and er..yeah whatever!  The other one (14 years old-going on 30) is never in but never far away from home, needs to be reminded to come home at every opportunity, writes me long unhappy e-mails, tells me she loves me, wants to see more of me even though she doesn't actually know me very well.  Adores her dad, hates her mum's family for interfereing, name calling etc, hates her mum for bowing to her family and ultimately, thinks I am the best thing since Nine Inch Nails.   AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

What am I supposed to do with that?  Bitch and I have a lot in common - we are both dancers, admittedly me Royal Ballet and her um...street(?) dancing.  Whatever, it's not graceful but it's incredibly athletic and I've seen her dance on stange and she's bloody good in fairness.  However, she has never really talked to me unless it's about dancing and, when she does that, she becomes animated and a completely different person.

I suppose I could blame my brother for not making sure she had access to both parental families but...how do you point that out?  In most cases, it's the mother's family that get more access to the children and I suppose my brother has gone along with it for a peace of sorts.  As a result, my mother has gone without seeing her grandchildren for many years.  It hasn't bothered me, as I have lived abroad from the age of 17 to 38.  I haven't given it much consieration as I have never wanted to have children, thinking that this world was sick enough and over populated enough not to inflict it upon an innocent baby, after all, what kind of world are we leaving them????????

My sister-in-law's sister moved two doors away from where they lived.  Fine.  Then she had a baby and my sister-in-law spent all her time with the baby and her sister, seemingly ignoring the needs of her own family (my nieces), to the point where even the girls noticed it.  As if this was not bad enough for several years, the house in between s-i-l and her sister then became vacant and it was suggested that their aging mother should move there.  Fortunately she resisted saying the garden was not in enough sunlight.  Many years on, she has now moved into the house the second time it went up for sale and my brother admitted defeat and left.  It appears that mother-in-law offerd daughter-in-law a bribe...leave him and you will get your inheritance early but it HAS to be DIVORCE.  He offered her a 30/70 split if she agreed to have no further demands on any of his future businesses and that mother-in-law promised to leave some of her fortune to the girls.  Apparently, this is deemed unreasonable by them.  Sister of sister-in-law is particularly vitriolic towards brother which is a bit rich considering her husband was caught out having an affair for years which continued whilst she was pregnant - worse...bit on side said she was ALSO pregnant!!!  Glass houses and stone throwing springs to mind.  Not that brother has/is unfaithful...for him...there never has been nor probably will be anyone else.  I still wish it though!!!  Evil me

I didn't even meet her until after she's had my first niece and they'd been living together for 8 years before that, so it shows how long I'd been away in Europe.  To which I then (sensibly) returned and when the second one was born, I saw her when she was toddling and didn't see her again until she was 12!

Seems to me that people who have lived abroad don't think like those who haven't.  Seems incomprehensible to my mum how I live the way I do, how I think the way I do when she brought me up and ... oh on and on...

I can't explain it to her.  Ultimately I have lived abroad MOST of my adult life and, if you haven't experienced that...how the BLOODY hell am I supposed to explain it?  How do I explain I've become a pagan, when I've been brought up Church in Wales.  How do I explain why I have become a vegetarian?  How do I explain that I would rather have good company, good food and wine than good clothes and makeup?  How do I quantify/explain/discuss the quality I require from MY life?  I cannot be like them, my experiences will not allow!

I am floundering in a sea of need at the moment and, as I am floundering in seas of need for my partner as well, I am beginning to drown...I REALLY want to write happy, trivial  and inconsequential things...but I am sitting her right now, with a glass of red wine, alone, late, silent except for the bats and incidental wildlife (backdoor wide open!) wondering why no-one sees my needs anymore.  Have I become so absorbed into the needs of others that mine have gone astray?  Do I even HAVE any needs anymore?

Well...

 YES OF COURSE I BLOODY DO

It's just that sometimes they seem to have become absorbed, or lost, or forgotten, or trivialised by the needs of others.  Can I not shut them out and be selfish...

No.

Why?

Maybe by thinking I have to deal with theirs...I can ignore my own.

Aha!?

Yes.

Easier to deal with other problems than your own.

Hmm!?

HELL, yes.

One day, perhaps...I'll get round to me...but then...I'll just be accused of being selfish...

I BLOODY wish...

Nice meal again tonight...all Cantones, all home cooked...left...spiteful, nasty partner...

Must have been a complete BITCH in SEVERAL previous lives!

Oh well...I'm not surprised.