Apologies, apologies

It has taken me five years of hard graft to make my relationship with my partner vaguely tolerable.  It has come to me hard that for most of his life he has had an affair with the bottle.  We are deep in debt but still he finds the money to go out and drink.  Worse, the bills are all in my name apart from his fines for drink driving!  He is incapable of holding down a job and ranks amongst his friends, complete eternal 'dole-ites' who spend all day in the pub, leaving partners at home to bring up children or whatever.  I work full time in a job I love but that doesn't pay all that well.  My entire salary goes on bills and car maintenance, yet still he drinks.  It's not high on my priority list but I haven't been to a hairdresser in six or seven years, just as an example.  I can only buy clothes from 'second' shops or charities.  Not that I have anything against charity shops and you can pick up some amazing bargains but occasionally, just occasionally, it would be nice to have a choice.

More often than not I come home to an empty house, with no meal and with no housework done.  To everyone else he has a heart of gold but to me, well...  He simply cannot see how badly he treats me...not in a violent way, although...and please don't take this the wrong way, physical violence would not be tolerated for an instant and he would well and truly be gone.  This is worse...he seems apathetic towards me and I feel that he is using me purely as a financial fall back.  What upsets me the most is that he is a potential genius.  He could be a fine environmentalist given half the chance but doesn't try hard at anything because failure isn't something he deals with very well.  Fair enough I say but not trying is failure in itself.  No surprises for guessing he doesn't see it like that!  He happily goes about the environmental issues dealing with the Small Nations Festival and cracks on with the ordering of all sorts of recycling matters...but this is unpaid and he has spent a small fortune on kitting himself out with tent and cooking utensils without a thought for our financial situation.  Whilt doing this he is animated and chatty and I am glad and happy for him and say so but, at the same time, I am saddened that he cannot see that I cannot share any of this joy with him because deep down, I feel resentful that he blithely goes about all this in a carefree and unrestrained manner, whilst I see only the mounting debts.  It is beyond him to see that I would give anything to be as carefree about things as he is but I have responsibilities with the ark of animals and routines that have to be maintained.  Not to mention the bills!

I love him very much and have told him to leave and go back living on the festival circuit but what then?  What will he do with all his belongings?  I can enter into some sort of deal with my creditors as I only have the council tax to worry about as a primary debt, all the rest can technically go to hell.  It's not that I don't want to pay up, it's that I can't pay up, especially if he's here and drinking it all away.

He seems to be draining me of energy and happiness.  I no longer discuss my work with him as it upsets him and he is clearly very envious of me working for a conservation society but again, what he doesn't understand is that I am admin, not a conservation officer.  I go off on bat watches but this is in my own time and costs nothing as it's in the local area.  I do not travel out of the area because I simply cannot afford the fuel, much as I would like to.  He thinks me foolish for identifying these constraints but what would happen if I had no fuel to go to work?  Does he imagine deep happiness for us if we both end up claiming benefits?  Admittedly, we do live in an employment black spot but travel is something easily remedied and we live close to Swansea, Llanelli and Carmarthen, one city and two large towns.  Yet I see no sign that he is actively looking for a job.

It is my birthday on Wednesday and he has informed me that he has bought me a present.  Why?  Best present I could have is him getting a job and keeping it for more than six weeks.  That however is too prosaic and not in keeping with his fantasy world.  My 50th birthday was a complete and utter disaster and I ended up with a lovespoon I bought myself...no meal...no surprise party - nothing.  Zip, zilch, nil, nada.  I was upset but apparently that was unreasonable of me as he didn't have a job so couldn't make any grand gestures.  For his big birthday I organised a party in Manchester, where all his old uni friends turned up and it had been a nightmare in logistics as I was organising it from down in deepest Wales - yet I achieved it and it was a great night.  He asked me the other day what I had done for HIS birthday...I was speechless, hurt and very unhappy to even be asked it.  Of course, he was drunk.

When he is drunk he is petty and incredibly, incredibly spiteful and vicious with his tongue.  I make him drink you know.  Obviously, his previous life was practice for the anticipated relationship with me in the future!  He cannot see that by standing by him I have proven how much I love him time and time again.  He sees it perfectly well when sober and is constantly apologising and telling me how much he loves me - but, words are not enough anymore.  Actually, I don't know if they ever were.  I remember my mum always saying to me...don't tell me you love me...show me!  It's taken me a long time to realise what she meant.

I simply cannot go on with all this unhappiness.  I feel as if I'm living with a psychic vampire, draining me of my enjoyment of simple things and my bank balance - ha! what bank balance?  I believe there are three things that make daily life bearable - your work life, your social life and your family life.  If one of those things is wrong, the others will help you over come but if two are wrong then you have problems.  My work life is fine apart from the low pay; social life I do not have but that is largely because I am an anti-social sort of person and it was a choice I made almost unconsciously and my family life...well, as you see.

He complains that I lack support for his projects but that is not true.  I have supported him in spirit and body only to be let down with his drinking, yet he seems to expect that support to constantly be there.  This support I try and tell him needs nurturing too and my love needs love to thrive and be returned and then once again come back to me.  I feel I have none of that.  He is withdrawn from me on a most fundemental level yet he expects me to deal with that.  When I have problems, I am told that I am self-indulgent - which of course leave me once again bereft of speech.  Where does he think I get strength to deal with him?  Even my deepest depths are not bottomless and they are constantly being drained.

When drunk, he thrives on belitteling me, you can see in his face that he is thoroughly enjoying it.  I cannot for the life of me understand what I have ever done to deserve this treatment.  Does he not respect me because I love him?  Does he think so very little of me that he can despise me and consider that my loving him is a weakness?  To all others he is an honourable and brilliant friend, why cannot he be so caring in his dealings with me?

I am obviously no good for him and perhaps it is another woman who will staunch his 'leaving Las Vegas' lifestyle as he clearly does not love me enough to try for long.  He came home drunk again tonight, as he has done for the past three nights and announced that he was leaving.  I love him but sometimes loving means saying goodbye.  Yet, he will take that the wrong way as well.  I cannot win whatever I do and I am so very tired of trying to please him, drunk or sober.  I don't sleep well at night worrying about everything when I should be able to confide these worries to him - but I cannot and I am alone and lonely.  I am in the depth of despair and I don't know how to deal with it, never having been here before.

If you have read this far and have not found me self indulgent then I am grateful.  If you have any advice, I would also be grateful, as I am floundering.  I shall now take my very weary body and mind to read in bed, leaving him passed out on the couch as usual.  I shall take my wonderfully purring and soporific cats with me and the dogs will lie at the foot.  I shall enjoy hearing their sleepy breathing and hope that this simple act will let me drift off into deep breathing of my own, to heal me in many ways.  I shall though without doubt greet the dawn, wide awake and worried about what tomorrow will bring.  I used to greet every new day as a challenge, now I just dread another drunken nasty outburst.

I wish you all a very good, quiet and peaceful night's rest.