Carpe Diem

...it seems the alcohol and the painkillers did not do the sterling job I expected

I still have a crick in the neck and a headache...

...only now, I'm not sure if the headache is due to the crick in the neck OR alcohol related

Furthermore, I'm not sure I had as good a night's rest as I was looking for either.  The trouble is...alchol doesn't really agree with me and, since it doesn't, I am always determined to prove it wrong and consume it anyway - doh!

So, tonight...no alcohol, herbal teas and due to the headache having been with me all day...some painkillers as a last resort again.  I've not yet taken any and so feel I have earned them.  I have given the headache a stern talking to but it is alas, ignoring me.

The hippy was highly amused thinking that I had a hangover, only I wasn't sure it was.  If it was, it was rectified by a full veggie breakfast which the now unamused hippy paid for ha ha!  Serves him right.

Now, I am off to make herbal tea - Camomile and Honey methinks; I have dabbed my temples with lavender to ease the tension; I will take the damned painkillers and I intend to spend an evening as a couch commando playing computer games!

Right, that's me sorted then.

Blessed be all xxx

...to all those very kind people who responded to my previous whinge-y blog!  You were all very kind and none of you cast aspersions upon my selfish nature.  To you all, a big thank you.

It is always nice to see one's friends nominated as a featured blog and, with that in mind, would like to say congrats to Pompey Caulkhead or something double-barrelled and suitably comic as he now prefers to be called.  Whatever name you chose Pompey, just remember to tell your friends so they can keep up with your blogging

Today, my partner and I have had a first 'business meeting' with regard to his new company.  Frankly, he had a captive audience as I have a severe crick in my neck, leading to a bad head.  Incapacitated therefore as I was without the aid of pain killers and an only just now poured whisky and dry, he had me at a disadvantage oo er!

I am loathe to take pain killers at the best of times but realised today that it was better than suffering to an undignified position as couch potato without benefit of TV to keep me suitably comatose, or the reassuring feel of the remote which I could commandere, whilst adopting the 'I'm somewhat poorly' approach when huffing would have been heard.  Now, I just have to keep my head in a book, adopt the martyred sigh whilst placing book pointedly face down and showing interest by eyebrow raising and intense attention looks.  I know that all sounds garbled but I know what I mean!!!!!

Anyway, to sum up my day...I have attended a business meeting; created a suitable business plan; made notes accordingly; put things into motion (or rather put hippy into motion!); found Atlantis on GoogleEarth; lost it again in GoogleEarth explanations of phenomena; read blogs; writing blog; fed rabbits and iguana; took more painkillers and poured a whisky.  Result.  Having got this far on a pain killing trip, I'm now going to have another whisky. 

Now before you all get sanctimonious about pain killers and alcohol, let me reassure you I ain't that daft!  You are just going to have to trust me on that one.  Dying is not part of my life schedule and, even when it is my time, I will be going kicking and screaming into whichever realm the gods choose.

Onward, to more considered matters...

As part of what the hippy is trying to achieve with his business, I watched today a programme about Peak Oil.  Now, before you mutter about this, I'm not trying to lecture...this is more of a reflective sort of thing! 

Unfortunately, there can be no doubt that fossil fuels are on the decline and I don't genuinely believe it is scare mongering.  If you think about it, there does have to be a finite resource doesn't there?  Whether this is true or not, it got me to thinking that far from abolishing slavery, we are continuing to be slaves to oil and if you think about it...what the hell are we going to do if it runs out sooner than anyone thinks?

So, with that in mind, I looked today at Cuba.  Fantastic.  If you can find it on YouTube, it is flipping well inspirational.  Forced by embargos to do without oil, they have turned it to their advantage.  Most interesting and informative and frankly awe inspiring.  Well done Cuba!  Furthermore, they are clearly proud of what they have achieved without oil.  EVERYONE grows their own veg, sold in local markets...no travel involved.  Rooftops in Havana have been turned into gardens.  Wonder what that looks like from the seat of a plane?  I then watched a story by the BBC called A Farm for the Future.  This is about a young girl who returns home to her family farm after carving her own career as a naturalist.  She is determined that her father's work will be continued as he firmly believed that wildlife created a successful farm, although he didn't quite know how it worked.  She went off to speak to many different people about how they managed...again, she spoke with people who knew all about the Peak Oil issues and also spoke with experts in Permaculture.  It was an excellent programme especially as she was so obviously concerned about the future of food production and agriculture in general and also that she was trying to make a difference and become un-reliant on diesel for her farm.  She said that she wasn't going to be able to change the world but that she would rather have nature as the blood of her farm than that of fossil fuel.  Nice.  Vehicles, fertilizers and nutrients are all currently based on oil.  Very sad.

As the summers of the last two years have been, well, frankly, crap - I am taking no chances this year and have invested in a poly tunnel.  These beasts are not cheap, I can tell you but I am hoping that I will be able to recoup costs in saving money on veg, which being a vegetarian I tend to eat a lot of!  Frankly, I am also concerned that I don't want to unwittingly eat GM crops.  I don't consider myself particularly stupid but I cannot for the life of me see the benefit in 'GM - anything' to be honest.  Nature is wiser than you guys, trust me on this, SHE doesn't have a hidden agenda...are you listening MONSANTO???  Ooo that's me tagged by THEM, whoever the nebulous THEM are!  Now, if I was to continue and mention Glaxo Smith Kline; Microsoft; Wellcome and the Bilderberg Group, I shall probably be arrested in about 5 minutes of this being posted...so, if you don't hear from me for a while, I shall probably be in sunny Guantanamo Bay, sitting on the dock, watching the tide slip away!!!

I'll send a postcard telling you all how wonderful it is and how I am being so well looked after.

Those of you who normally read my blog may be a tad confused about the randomness of my thoughts and wondering whether the pain killers and small alcohol usage are having a detremental effect upon my otherwise well adjusted character.  No?  Phew, that's okay then.  No need to explain.

In any case, I am, fairly certain I have posted mutterings of a similar nature in the past.  I am nothing if not willing to revist my previous rants!

Joking aside though, I must confess to being concerned about the state of the world not just Britain.  We really do need to try not to be so wasteful and consumerist to the point where manufacturers now only build things to last a short while.  Imagine if the architects and builders of the medieval period had done that...no Tower of London, no Salisbury, Winchester, Chester, Canterbury or York cathederals...no Westminster Houses of Parliament...oh, hang on...I believe I am with Guillhome de Ffawkes on that one.  Doh, there I go again.  I'll have MI5 at my door in moments...ah but just a minute...I live in that much obscurity, the Post Office swore blind I didn't even have a postcode for the Council Tax to work out where I lived.  Ho, hum.  Should have left it there when I had the chance - doesn't pay to be too honest these days.

Like the time my oil tank got so heated in the hot summer, it completely split from top to bottom...bloody hell...how long ago was that?  I rang the Environment Agency to ask them if they had any numbers I could call as I had oil spilling out all over my garden (my pampas grass has been pink for the last two years as a result of the oil!  Pretty but just not right!)

Thinking naively that the Environment Agency would have that sort of info, I was stunned, I mean REALLY STUNNED, when they turned round and said, 'Sorry Madam, we don't have that sort of information, however, I must inform you that I will now be sending an Environmentalist round to your house and, if you fail to contain the oil flow into your garden, we will of course have to fine you the sum of £5,000'  The imbecile, however, informed me of this before he asked for my address in the complete and utter belief that I would comply.  My screaming response was, 'Are you shitting me?' and slammed down the phone.  Thereafter racing off down the garden clad fetchingly in sou'wester and wellies - god I'm just SO sexy sometimes.  Hippy WAS pleased to see me as he had been bailing buckets and we borrowed every available canister from neighbours who were just great, unlike the ENVIRONMENT AGENCY.  Who are, incidentally people I work with everyday in my job but who I wouldn't give a pot to piss in!  Or trust with a baby's rattle!  However, what really pissed me off about that whole episode was...what if the most capable Environmentalist hippy had not been with me...what if I'd been alone...what if I'd been a little old pensioner with no other recourse?  Despite having worked with them before this incident and afterward...sadly, my opinion of them has not changed one iota - they are STILL JACKASSES!

Oh, did I mention that I had actually counted my books today - just a cursory and at a glance sort of count?  Well, foolishly I thought I had a lot of books and believed that they simply looked more because they were randomly placed on bookcases; radiators; bathroom; bedroom; top of shelves; cupboards that sort of thing.  Well, just to say and, if any of you booklovers have actually GOT this far...and just to prove a point to the hippy - I only have 707 (minimum) books.  Now, I know that as a book lover this is nothing, so could you all please tell the hippy that it is a piffling amount and worthy of no note?  Thank you.  Especially as I am outstanding at least 32 books by my favourite authors and I plan to rectify this soon!  He's under the impression that this is a lot.  Foolish man!  Has he not SEEN a library's content?  In any event, as he is, in the main, responsible for the purchases of LARGE amounts of my books, I reasonably feel he cannot whinge.  Now, am I right?  Exactly.

I would like to ask the audience this question as well...why on earth would anyone want their family as friends on facebook?  I have two nieces of 17 and 14, largely sheltered from life but who are genuinely (in my opinion), obnoxious, typical, teenagers.  As I honestly believe that the content of my friends' facebook comments are not ALWAYS suitable for them, why should I include them?  Am I wrong in this?  Isn't such information likely to cause comment within the rest of the family?  Am I just paranoid?  Ah, Black Sabbath!  Sorry I digress.  Ahem...so, what's the right thing to do?  Or, *shock horror* am I just too 'old/grumpy/intolerant' to deal with any comments they may make?  We have nothing in common, other than being related...so, am I misusing facebook?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm even too gods-damned anti-social to deal with a bloody SOCIAL networking site!!!  There's just NO hope for me is there?

On that note, ladies, gentlemen, dukes, duchesses, earls, viscouts, counts, barons, cannons, priests and peasants, I bid you a good night and wish you all very sweet dreams.  If you read THIS far...I commend you to all gods and goddesses as a major charity contributor...for, you have made me VERY happy that I have merited your time with my ranting and quibbling and INTENSE paranoia at authority and having nieces.

Blessed be and to all a good night xxx

..and apologies in advance...

I was three when my brother was born.  Now, as adults we all know how much hard work and attention a new baby requires - but, does a 3 year old?

At 3, I was packed off to nursery school a few miles away, on a bus.  This bus did of course have attendants none of whom were my mother.  The reason I attended a nursery school so far away was that it was Welsh speaking.  As I got older, I realised that the nursery school was only a mile and a half down the road but, did I know that as a 3 year old?

As I got older, I managed to get to grips with certain emotions...love, hate, anger, joy and jealousy but, did I understand them as a 3 year old?

To my point...at 3 years old, you find yourself lacking the attention of your mother because of the new baby.  At 3 years old you further find yourself being bundled off on a bus in the mornings, watching your mother take the baby back home in the pram and waving goodbye to you.  At three, this is devastating!  You do not understand that it is jealousy - you probably can't even say the word.  You just know in your little heart that you have lost your mother to a screaming, mewling, noisy doll.

You accept this status quo for years and, as you get older, you expect it to change.  It doesn't.  As the oldest you get used to hearing the words...'As the oldest, you should know better', when your brother has done something and accused you.  By my age, you expect it to have changed.  It hasn't!

Mothering Sunday...my brother bought my mother a large bunch of flowers...chrysanthemums...which (according to my mother) she hates as they remind her of funerals.  This is why my brother bought them, in part as a joke.  She raved about them.  I bought her two beautiful candles and a wrought iron lantern in which to display them.  They were colour co-ordinated to her flat and she always loved candlelight.  This has changed apparently, although I was not informed.  She looked at them and said sharply, 'Take them back, I don't want them and will never use them'.  I was dumbstruck.  Now, I know you might all find that hard to believe and I would like to stretch your belief further and say I was speechless!!!!!

I was so stunned, I could only return them to the wrapper and, without another word, picked up my bag and car keys and left.  'Don't take it like that, you stupid girl', she called after me, as I left. 

Now, it may very well be that she did not mean to say it in such a harsh manner but in any event the day had started badly.  I left home in good time fortunately, as I was due to pick her up to take her to my brother's wine bar at 1.30.  Traffic being a complete pain in this city was up to its usual crap standard and three lanes were down to one at one of its biggest intersections.  The queue went back for miles and I sat fuming in the car, whilst the car was clearly also a tad miffed and it demonstrated this via the temperature gauge...it was also a hot day here in the wooly wilds of south west Wales.  I arrived and put on a cheerful face only to be greeted with 'You're late!'  Yes, I replied bloody traffic.  She then complained that she hated being in my car as it is a high 4 x 4 and she has bad legs due to diabetes.  Fair enough but I cannot reasonably have it lowered just for her.

We get to the wine bar and my brother is understandably busy as it is after all Mothering Sunday.  She spent the whole afternoon whinging to me that she had not spent any time with him - this despite him having taken time out to see her this morning and take her for breakfast and then having to rush back to prepare the lunches.  I sat there feeling rather foolish.  She watched TV the whole time and barely spoke with me, other than to inform me that I was still too fat and had the dress sense of a stone.  Not to worry, this is not new to me and she is probably right about the dress sense but I am a size 14 to 16 on a bad day and a 12 to 14 on a relatively good day, whilst she is a size 20 at least.  Again, nothing new.  I point out that it is a case of the pot calling the kettle to which she replies 'Yes but I wasn't fat at your age'.  Yes she was but she doesn't remember it that way.  Onward...

She then asks my brother if he will be so kind as to take her home as she hates my car.  My brother is stunned and says he's been busy and why wont she be flexible with my car.  He helps her in and closes the door.  The journey back to hers is a stony silence except for complaints about my driving, despite this being due to pot holes.  The rest is history.

I get back to mine and I am still stunned.  My partner is very angry on my behalf but I am too ragged to give it much thought.  Isn't it strange that even though I am used to it by now, I always optimistically expect it to be different every time I see her?  Whilst I am no longer jealous of my brother and frankly haven't been for years, she believes that I still am and ridicules me for it.  It is clear that she has a very low opinion of me as I did not inherit her dress sense but, unsurprisingly my brother did.  Do you know I didn't even tell her I was going to University until I had completed my first year exams in case she dismissed it as just another one of my 'hair-brained schemes'.  She says she's proud of me but I always get the feeling that when she says it to me it seems to stick in her throat.  When I told her I was going to do my PGCE, she snorted and said 'Earn money and stop trying to be an academic'.

I no longer seek her approval, or try and make her like me anymore.  She clearly doesn't and, at this late stage, I don't think this is going to change.  It may be because I left home at 16 and went to live in France for many years and then to Germany whilst my brother has remained here.  They are clearly very close and I understand this.  What I don't understand is my eternal optimism that it might ever change.  Ultimately we are both too long in the tooth now for us to change our ways, although I remain flexible where she is opinionated and rigid.  She is also unforgiving of past misdemeanors, including those of my father who is no longer with us.

Yet, as inured as I am to all this for so many years...I am still overwhelmed at the power she wields to be able to hurt me after all this time.  I know in part what has caused her bitterness at life and her unforgiving nature towards my father and I have genuinely tried to make allowances for this but she is completely indifferent to my attempts.  My brother simply tells her to get over it, it's past.  He gets away with it, no doubt through the ease of long familiarity, whilst I am still much of an outsider to the family having only recently returned home to Wales after a VERY long absence.

My father's sin was to buy a nightclub in a mining area, which the strike affected, leading to a great loss of fortune.  For this he is unforgiven and mentioned with malice.  I say that if it was so bad, why stay together.  She replies because I loved him but I did not like him.  In the face of such logic, what chance do I have?  As a self confesssed daddy's girl, I suspect I remind her too much of him.  That makes me proud not ashamed, which is how she feels and will no longer speak or see friends that they had in common.  My father died in 1994 and I will not allow her to vilify him continuously in my presence after all this time.  Perhaps she does not like this aspect of me either.

She does not like my lifestyle, my home, my partner or my animals (having an iguana is just silly!)  Effectively, she just doesn't like me or anything about me.  I consider this to be her problem not mine.  However, I still hope that one day, I shall find pleasure in her company.  I am conscious that time is running away from us but how long do I keep trying if it only results in my unhappiness each time?  I worry that I am being selfish and/or not understanding her issues fully.  Ultimately I guess, I will keep trying as that is my nature and maybe, just maybe, I shall find a way to deal with the hurt she causes me so that I can heal quicker after each visit.

On the bright side, I've got two very beautiful candles and yet another pretty lantern in which to display them! 

Blessed be all xxx

...it has been a while hasn't it?

I have been around and about and commented but writing a blog had been a little beyond me whilst lecturing to and being lectured at, respectively!

Now, the lecturing is over for a whole month which should allow me some time to get on with my own University work. 

It occurs to me that so many things have happened that I should perhaps, maybe, um...update my profile at some point.  It is way out of date, including my Post Graduate stuff and the addition of another member of the Ark, the Dog Dante...my little yellow Inferno, who is a cross between a Staffordshire Bull Terrier and a Labrador (er...we think!)  There's definitely Staff though, as he is barrel chested and has an incredibly hard head!  I know this for he has head butted me on several occasions by accident (usually stick related) and I can assure you I came off the worse (or is it worst?  Ah, grammar, I hated it in school and I'm not so fond of it now, either)

Before I forget, happy birthday to the Walrus, Deana and freeas, just in case I forget to tell them personally.

In my momentary lapses of study I have been surfing blog and finding all sorts of wonderful blogs AND I have made some new friends from it, so I would like to welcome them to my mundane blog for all things trivial.  Sometimes opinionated, sometimes irrational, sometimes just plain silly and whinge-y and occasionally insightful but never deliberately nasty, hurtful or unkind.

I have no clear idea on what to write about, as frankly, I am all studied out.  The seminars did pick up eventually but they kind of remained stubborn in their unwillingness to speak out.  A learning curve for my teaching I feel.  At least now I can match the practical with the theory, which I couldn't do before.  Bonus.

I don't know how the rest of you spent your spring equinox but mine was spent out in the garden preparing for veg, herbs and a long, hot summer, with which we have been threatened.  I have neatened up my four corners and I intend to get some sound going with wind chimes shortly.  It was a lovely day here in the woolly wilds of south west Wales and not one to pass up on the warmth of the day, decided to make the day warmer by insisting on having a barbeque - so ladies and gentlemen, I can officially confirm that I have had at least ONE barbeque this year!

Obviously as a vegetarian, barbeques don't hold the same thrill for me as they do for you more carniverous sorts but I suppose what I like is preparing the salad stuff that always goes with the barbeque scenario.  So, whilst his hippiness was rebuilding our dry stone walls, I prepared a culinary feast.  There is large amounts left over as well, so I can take them all into work.  Fantastic, as it means I get at least another quarter of an hour lie in bed if my food for the week is already done.  A plan with no drawbacks I feel.  It is also ready prepared food for my Iguana, VerdIGris, with whom I share the vegetarian aspect of my life, along with my bunnies.  The rest of the Ark - two cats, two dogs and one hippy are omniverous.  Arguably cats are not generally considered omniverous but one of my felines is partial to Bombay Mix!  No, really, she is!  I know it's strange but it's true.  The other feline unfortunately prefers small furry mammals and is inclined to bring them here as the sacrificial offering on the altar of my doorstep - horrible thing that she is.

I am off out for a day with mother tomorrow it being Mothering Sunday (not Mother's Day as my own mother is at pains to point out - although, I don't know she bothers telling me this as I am a pagan and it's only known as Mothering Sunday for Church goers predominantly - or is it?  I dunno)  We will be going to my brother's Wine Bar for a few drinks and then I will take her home and race back here whilst there is still some daylight to see if I can finish what I started today in the garden and then the hippy will be off to work in the evening.  So, whilst it would be wrong to say I have wasted a weekend because I don't feel that I have, it has certainly been wasted in terms of not getting on with my own Uni work but to be honest, I feel I need a rest from academia, if only for a few days.

With that in mind, I think I shall say a goodnight to you all, as I feel it is time for bed and a good book.

Blessed be all and have a wonderful day tomorrow. xxx